alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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