I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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