eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
