I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
