We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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