Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
