Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
