i think my tv is drunk
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
