I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
