Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hippo gnu deer
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
