The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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