May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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