watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
