I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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