if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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