So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
