made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
