Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
