I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
