why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
