Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
