took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
