sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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