He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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