my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
A+ Viking dick
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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