I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He kissed a someone with a penis
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
