listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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