I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
