Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
