Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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