Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
