i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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