Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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