god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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