Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
