What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
