We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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