I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He felt like a one man threesome
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
