I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
