I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
