But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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