I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
