Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
