weddingsv make me drug and hornr
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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