Your face is a jimmy john
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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