I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
