does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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