You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
