if you like me you must not know who I am
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
