I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
