you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
