I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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