Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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