Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
