I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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