My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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