My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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