you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
