Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
