shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry about my life...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
