he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
