now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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