I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
