Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
