I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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