dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
